How is it that certain people are so incredibly persuasive?
Can we all harness those skills? After studying the most
influential political, social, business and religious leaders, and trying
countless techniques out myself, these are the 21 critical lessons I’ve
identified to persuading people. This is an overview from a talk I’ve been
giving to thousands of entrepreneurs for a few years now on “How to Persuade People.”
More examples are explained below.
THE BASICS
1. Persuasion is not Manipulation - Manipulation is coercion through force to get
someone to do something that is not in their own interest. Persuasion is
the art of getting people to do things that are in their own best interest that
also benefit you.
2. Persuade the Persuadable -
Everyone can be persuaded, given the right timing and context, but
not necessarily in the short term. Political campaigns focus their time
and money on a small set of swing voters who decide elections. The first
step of persuasion is always to identify those people that at a given time are
persuadable to your point of view and focus your energy and attention on them.
3. Context and Timing - The basics building blocks of persuasion are context and
timing. Context creates a relative standard of what’s acceptable.
For example the Stanford Prisoner Experiment proved
that overachieving students could be molded into dictatorial
prison guards. Timing dictates what we want from others and life.
We chose to marry a different type of person than we date when we’re
younger, because what we want changes.
4. You have to be Interested to be
Persuaded - You can never persuade somebody who’s
not interested in what you’re saying. We are all most interested in
ourselves, and spend most of our time thinking about either money, love or
health. The first art of persuasion is learning how to consistently talk
to people about them; if you do that then you’ll always
have their captive attention.
GENERAL RULES
5. Reciprocity Compels
– When I do
something for you, you feel compelled to do something for me. It is part
of our evolutionary DNA to help each other out to survive as a
species. More importantly, you can leverage
reciprocity disproportionately in your favor. By providing
small gestures of consideration to others, you can ask for more back
in return which others will happily provide. (TIP: read ”Influence” by Robert Cialdini)
6. Persistence Pays - The person who is willing to keep asking for what they
want, and keeps demonstrating value, is ultimately the most persuasive.
The way that so many historical figures have ultimately persuaded masses
of people is by staying persistent in their endeavors and
message. Consider Abraham Lincoln, who lost his mother, three sons, a
sister, his girlfriend, failed in business and lost eight separate
elections before
he was electedpresident of the United States
7. Compliment Sincerely - We are all so positively affected by compliments, and
we’re more apt to trust people for whom we have good feelings. Try
complimenting people sincerely and often for things they aren’t typically
complimented for, it’s the easiest thing you can do to persuade others that doesn’t
cost anything but a moment of thought.
8. Set Expectations - Much of persuasion is managing other’s expectations
to trust in your judgment. The CEO who promises a 20% increase in sales
and delivers a 30% increase is rewarded, while the same CEO who promises a 40%
increase and delivers 35% is punished. Persuasion is simply about
understanding and over-delivering on other’s expectations.
9. Don’t Assume - Don’t ever assume what someone needs, always offer your
value. In sales we’ll often hold back from offering our products/services
because we assume others don’t have the money or interest. Don’t assume
what others might want or not want, offer what you can provide and leave the
choice to them.
10. Create Scarcity – Besides the necessities to survive, almost everything has
value on a relative scale. We want things because other people want these
things. If you want somebody to want what you have, you have to make that
object scarce, even if that object is yourself.
11. Create Urgency –
You have to be able to instill a sense of urgency in people to
want to act right away. If we’re not motivated enough to want
something right now, it’s unlikely we’ll find
that motivation in the future. We have to persuade people in
the present, and urgency is our most valuable card to play.
12. Images Matter – What we see is more potent that what we hear. It may
be why pharma companies are now so forthcoming with the potentially horrible
side effects of their drugs, when set to a background of folks enjoying a
sunset in Hawaii
13. Truth-Tell – Sometimes the most effective way to persuade somebody, is
by telling them the things about themselves that nobody else is willing to say.
Facing the hard truths are the most piercing, meaningful events that
happen in our lives. Truth-tell without judgement or agenda, and you’ll
often find others’ responses quite surprising.
14. Build Rapport - We like people who we are like. This extends beyond
our conscious decisions to our unconscious behaviors. By Mirroring and Matching others habitual behaviors (body
language, cadence, language patterns, etc.) you can build a sense of rapport
where people feel more comfortable with you and become more open to
your suggestions.
PERSONAL SKILLS
15. Behavioral Flexibility - It’s the person with the most flexibility, not necessarily
the most power, who’s in control. Children are often so persuasive
because they’re wiling to go through a litany of behaviors to get
what they want (pouting, crying, bargaining, pleading, charming), while parents
are stuck with the single response of “No.” The larger
your repertoire of behaviors, the more persuasive you’ll be.
16. Learn to Transfer Energy - Some people drain us of our energy, while others infuse us
with it. The most persuasive people know how to transfer their energy to
others, to motivate and invigorate them. Sometimes it’s as
straightforward as eye contact, physical touch, laughter, excitement in
verbal responses, or even just active
listening.
17. Communicating Clearly is Key - If you can’t explain your concept or point of view to an
8th grader, such that they could explain it with sufficient clarity to another
adult, it’s too complicated. The art of persuasion lies
in simplifying something down to its core, and communicating to
others what they really care about.
18. Being Prepared Gives you the
Advantage - Your starting point
should always be to know more about the people and situations around you.
Meticulous preparation allows for effective persuasion. For
example, you dramatically improve your odds in a job interview
being completely versed in the company’s products, services, and background.
19. Detach and Stay Calm in Conflict - Nobody is more effective when they are “On
Tilt.” In situations of heightened emotion, you’ll always have
the most leverage by staying calm, detached and unemotional. In conflict,
people turn to those in control of their emotions,
and trust them in those moments to lead them.
20. Use Anger Purposefully - Most people are uncomfortable with conflict. If
you’re willing escalate a situation to a heightened level of tension and
conflict, in many cases others will back down. Use this sparingly, and
don’t do it from an emotional place or due to a loss of self control. But
do remember, you can use anger purposefully for your advantage.
21. Confidence and Certainty - There is no quality as
compelling, intoxicating and attractive as certainty. It is the person
who has an unbridled sense of certainty that will always be able
to persuade others. If you really believe in what you do, you will always
be able to persuade others to do what’s right for them, while getting what you
want in return.
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